Why did I dropped out of College ?

May 12, 2017

 "The true meaning of courage is to be afraid, and then, with your knees knocking and your heart racing, to step out anyway—even when that step makes sense to nobody but you. I know that’s not easy. But making a bold move is the only way to truly advance toward the grandest vision the universe has for you." Oprah Winfrey

I was in my art class when I got an email from a Summer Camp in the USA that were interested in my application.

I had applied to an exchange program to work with kids a few month earlier and at that point I was just going to stick with studying and travelling in summer.

And so when I realized that I was actually going to go to the US. I was so excited because it felt right. But at the same time leaving that early in June was a bit of an issue because I was leaving in the middle of my exam period. How would I be able to manage both? Of course there was no way I was going to let go of that door that had just open up for me.

I didn't how I was going to manage everything but I decided to go anyways.

Two weeks passed and I realized how less I was going at my courses and how much I was focused on my travel. But moreso how the whole year I was actually fighting against myself to go to school even though I just hated it there and felt so miserable. It didn't feel right and my heart was somewhere else. But I was, I think,  kind of in a denial. I was trying to convinced myself and everybody around me that my art studies were great.

So one day in a moment of lucidity with my heart, I just asked myself : "What is keeping me from going after what I have always truly wanted ?" 

I was afraid.

Afraid of breaking free from the mole I tried so hard to fit in. I was afraid I would be alone and people wouldn't understand. I was afraid that I would not be on the same page as people no more and find myself isolated from others.

But I descovered how false that belief was. Actually I found out when  opened up about it, how much people secretly wanted also to do the same thing. And got a lot of support when I announced it to my family and friends. And for the ones who didn't get it it's not even that big of a deal.

In contrary of what I thought I wasn't isolated at all, in fact I was more open to share with people what I was passionate about.

Before studying art I had already dropped out of university after studying 3 years. I had one year left but couldn't see myself bear with it anymore it became unbearable.

I had put myself through so much stress and sleepless nights to get those grades. For 3 years my experience of life was reduced to repeatedly getting up going to school, working, then seeing my friends, boyfriend, going out and being stressed out. And that was it. I felt so drained. The futur was so planned out that I had so bad anxiety. Life felt like a trap.

And for some reason after taking a break of six months working and doing art, I decided to go study art. I wanted to try it out to see how I would feel because I had always wonder if it was the place I was meant to be. I had always felt at home when I was drawing, I even did art classes in High School.

That's why after a nervous break down, it felt natural to me to enroll in Art studies where I knew already what kind of challenges I will have to face and how everything worked. It was my comfort zone.

On top of being in my ideal environment (a creative one), I was moving in with a really close friend and two other flatmates. I was excitted for my new life. The plan was that I would get a degree study for at least 3 more years and maybe travel afterwards.

But see life doesn't work like this. I just wasn't the same person I use to be. Without realizing it, I was so much closer to myself than I used to be. So much closer to my purpose.

And even if my mind worked in the same way, I was listening more to my instinct.

You see, for a long time I thought getting a degree was the only way I was going to make it somewhere in life. And that's what society wants you to think. That there is just one or two ways to live. And if one of those two ways suits you than that is also great!

But see what if I wanted to create my own life differently than everybody else's?

So when I stepped into this new school something felt off. I didn't feel in my element like I thought I would. The same way I felt when I was in my former university where I was trying so bad to fit in and find a way to enjoy life.

It was like I was re-living something that was already over. I was at the same point than 9 months ago. Nothing had changed. And I felt stuck again in my own life.

Like I said to my professor when I announced that I was quitting, my mind was focused and I enjoyed my courses but my heart was somewhere else. I was spending my time reading articles and books as planning my travels from Paris, Barcelona to my 4 months trip in the U.S.

And  I am glad I went in this school for a few months. I don't have a single regret. I needed those few months to find myself and put myself back together. I enabled me to see what I deeply and truly wanted all a long.

So I dropped out definitively of College. And decided to leave my appartement, my job, my family, to go see what is out there for me.

It's scary to drop everything and make a bold move that sometimes doesn't make sense even to you.
But making a bold move is the only way to truly advance toward the grandest vision the universe has for you.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." (H.Thurman)

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