What is wrong with me ?

April 13, 2017

I discovered recently that often I felt ashamed when I would open up to a friend as if I did something wrong. Particularly, as if what I said was wrong and weird.

I was not quite sure if it was something that depended on the person I would talk to. But this morning after talking to a friend about eating disorder, body image and my struggles I really felt bad after.

Bad in the sense that I felt a lot of shame mixed with some deep uncomfortable feelings.

I think today something triggered me in a certain way. Because a lot of bad feelings started coming up. And not the usual feelings that I recognize immediately but feelings I had no familiarity with.

But I don't think I am ready to deal with them yet. I feel a lot of resistance against them. I get angry and furstrated when I think about them still.

But either way, sometimes, I get this feeling of hopelessness. You know, when you feel that no matter how hard you try, it's never good enough.

I think, because I am working on accepting my body as my number one goal, I am starting to open up more on that subject around me even though it's still difficult for me and I still feel my body shaking when I admit that I am not comfortable with it. I feel a lot of fear internally and quite strongly.

I think it's because through the years and through my experiences. I felt often judged really quickly when I would talk about my issue with my body or weight. Of course I am healthy and not overweight. I mean, I have several pounds that I could lose in order to look "not too curvy" for society. But I am aware that I am in a healthy shape of body and that I lOVE sports and working out.

But I feel that I grew up around people a lot skinnier than me. And because I had a lot of struggles with my body image and an unhealthy relationship with food that became at one point a coping mechanism to deal with my suffering and what I was going through and went through growing up. I would gain weight and lose weight within several months to a year. So a lot of people around me would notice it.

And I don't think that people made me feel that way on purpose. Sometimes people around you friends and family mean well but I felt a lot of pressure. Because nobody noticed that I had emotional issues, with food and self arm,(of course I don't blame anyone) It's just that they would tell me kindly to simply balance my meals and go to the gym more to just exercise. Giving me advice to lose weight when I didn't ask for it or just making me feel that it was in my head and that I shouldn't feel that way.

But see there was a reason that I was feeling this way because the problem was deeper than that. I had emotional scares and going through stuff that I didn't know how to handle because groing up nobody taught me how to cope with life so I found my own ways to cope but in a unhealthy way unfortunatily.

I really hate putting myself in a victim role. Even writing this article is difficult for me because usually I just prefer to not think about the issues I went through. But I am working on living a healthier life mentally speaking. And I think it's time for me to deal with it. Because there is nothing wrong with me.

I am just human. And humans have scares and imperfections. And that is not a bad thing like people can make us think.

There is nothing wrong about crying and screaming if you need to. And it's healthier than keeping everything locked in. Sometimes it can makes us feel more secure because we feel we haven't any control what so ever on our life. But it's not the case. We are the leaders of our lives.

And of course, we have to let go sometimes. It's all about accepting what you can and cannot control and being happy with it.

But the thing is, even when sometimes I feel hopeless about the future,feeling that maybe I am just never going to recover. I remind myself how far I have come and the commitment I made to myself. That no matter what I deserve to be happy and healthy there is no other option.

And nobody, nothing not even my "society negative voice" will stop me.

Nothing is lost everything can transform and grow again.

So striving for that is my way to give a finger to all the people that tried to hurt me or put me down. To society's expectations and to the financial system we live in that makes money off our unhappiness.

We will heal and make this world a better place before we leave.

Peace, Love and Positivity xoxoxoxo

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