Not good enough

April 01, 2017

You are always responsible for how you act no matter how you feel
Even if a lot is changing, some topics are still not talked enough about.

For a long time, I've struggled with my body image and self-love. Like a lot of people in our society, especially within my generation born into all those expectations, I didn't have a sense of self-worth and purpose. I felt empty.

But I didn't talked about it because nobody actually did. I thought I was alone. We are expert at putting on masks but newbies when it comes to honoring our feelings and being real.
And how can we be real and authentic when society keeps our heads down.

I saw women around me always criticizing how they looked and always asking for approval from others. And I don't blame them we live in a culture where we define ourselves by our external appearances from our bodies to our success. We were taught to judge books by their covers.

The problem is that when we judge others we judge ourselves too.

I judged a lot of people because I grew up with a voice inside of me telling me I wasn't good enough nor pretty enough. Even if everybody around me would tell me how awesome or beautiful I was and how great I was I didn't believe them. I didn't believe my family or close friends because in my everyday life I was reminded that as long that I was fitting in this kind of appearance and this kind of personality I would be loved.

But that love was conditional. Conditional to my look and ways. As long that I was fitting in I would be accepted and loved as we all want. But people seemed to care more about if I had gained weight or not than about my aspirations, more about that person's size and shape or look. Being different was a bad thing. And teachers were the first one putting down students because they didn't fit their expectations.

And I tried to fit in. Oh I tried! I tried everything. Being mean, being nice, being funny, being thin, being sexy, being an asshole, being bold, being feminine, being perfect. But as you try to please everybody, you put the needs of others above yours and neglect yourself. There is nothing worse than you can do to yourself than neglect your needs and wellbeing for others. And at the end of the day for what and at what price? Preventing yourself from being happy and who you actually really are.

For years I was miserable, trying to fit in and neglect who I really was deep inside. I tried to fit in everywhere pretending to enjoy myself. I let myself dance with the devil and reach out to external things to fill that void inside of me.

And that's why one day I hit a breaking point. When someone I thought loved me and for whom I changed so many things about me, told me that I was worthless. What hurt me the most wasn't really what that person told me, but the fact that I realized that I've had already heard these words. They were familiar. Because I was telling myself that every day. He was my reflection in the mirror.

And that's the day that "I had it". I needed to take my life back.

No matter how "perfect" you try to be, there will always be someone on this planet who doesn't like you or will want you to fail and it's not personal, there is nothing wrong with you it's just the way it is. There's always someone who is going to tell you that you are too skinny, too weird, too fat, too stupid, too this or too that. Unfortunately we don't live in a utopic world where everybody is happy and kind to one another.

Because when people judge you or make you feel not good enough it already comes from a place where they are judged and made fun of. It's an endless vicious circle. We suffer as we don't allow us to express ourselves and so we make others suffer too. If we can't be happy they can't either. If we can't be who we really are they can't either.

That’s how so many dreams are broken and teared down. That’s why so many people are afraid to be who they are. Why some of would rather die than show their real self to the world.

The only way to get out of it is to break that circle and follow your own rules. You can't let society and people label you and decide your life for you. Nobody is going to fill that hole apart from you. Nobody is going to give you the unconditional love and approval you need other than yourself.

But there is a light, there is hope. You need to commit to yourself and promise yourself than no matter what you will honor yourself and let shine your light. It takes courage to be yourself but it takes one step to change your mindset. Everything will follow through from there. Don’t think you are on your own. The world is with you not against you. Accept the teachings as you accept the blessings. We are not exempt from suffering but we can choose the way we see it. The way we want to perceive our reality. 

Related article : A week in a Buddhist center 

And we are human sometimes we are going to feel down and feel this "not good enough" mentality kicking back in no matter how successful we are. But that's when you need to be stronger than that. Knowing that this voice is not yours. This critic inside you isn't yours but rather society. All those sad people who were afraid of shining and being true to themselves. You can’t forbid yourself to feel certain feelings but you can take responsibility for you actions no matter how you feel.

So when someday you don't want to look at your reflection and you feel fat you still hit the gym.
When someday someone puts you down you just keep on going on.

And when someday you feel not good enough you keep walking to get on the top of that mountain.
Because we all deserve to be happy. If we break that chain we will allow the next person we bump into to be instead of perpetuating that chain of envy, jealousy and hatred on this planet.

A great change in the world needs to start from its roots. And the roots lies within ourselves.

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